Exciting times.

I have been preparing since last Saturday for company. Everyone who knows me, knows I love to have company. I love to cook for them, cater to their every need, and most of all catch up and visit. I get so excited when people come for a visit and have always wanted my house to seem like a fun place to be. That part is so much easier without Ron.. He did enjoy company to a point, but it was always stressful for me, not knowing what he was gonna say or do.. So, this is my first adult company since we've separated. Two years ago we tore up the flooring in the upstairs bedroom. We intended to replace it, and never got to it. I went Saturday and spent some of my income tax return on laminate plank flooring. Rebecca invited some friends over to help us get it laid, and they got her room nearly done. I finished it and am nearly finished with Eliza's room. It sure feels good to accomplish something. I am a strong woman. I can do all things through Christ. I went out and bought me a skill saw that fits me, I bought a tool set and went to work. I can cut wood as good as any man, I can lay flooring. I can do anything I set my mind to, and that is a good feeling. You can too. I am beginning to know myself again and be confident in who God is in me.
So... back to the weekend, it is the Madisonville Civil War Reenactment. We will be dressed up in period correct clothes and living in a Civil War era camp during the day, Jesse will be a part of the battle on Saturday and Sunday, and everyone will dance at the ball on Saturday night. We are praying for good weather. Regardless, my friend Debbe and her girls and Karla and her little ones are spending Friday and Saturday night with me. My other friend Laura is coming up with her whole family and they will stay Saturday night. I am so excited!! I think I am going to buy a bunch of foot scrub and soaking tubs to pamper us after a long day of tight boots and working. This is gonna be a fun weekend, I am praying for good weather and a clean house. :)

D DAy is Coming..

As the day approaches I wonder, God, are you really gonna allow this to happen. Way back when, you told me Lord, that you told Abraham to lay Isaac on the alter... The end of that story is that you let Isaac not be sacrificed by his obedient father. I know miracles happen, but it would take a super duper one to end this divorce event now. The date is set for February 12th... 2 days before our 17th Anniversary. I can't believe I was lost in the marriage for 17 years. Not that all of it was bad, but for some reason, at this point, it's easier to remember the bad. Thankfully, I don't remember all of it. My long term memory has been erased where Ron wronged me over the years. I don't think I would have survived if it had not been. His presence, to this day wreaks of anger. I know this is a "presence" that abides with him, but it is so evident to everyone but him.
Jesse asked me if he could invite his dad over on Sunday to help him build a club house. Actually to revamp the clubhouse we already have. I said okay. I was reluctant, for obvious reasons, but agreed for obvious reasons... As soon as Ron arrived on my place, I could feel the "presence". I know that is the reason the Lord allowed me to leave and that only God can take that from him. Lord, help us all.

Ron is sooo SAD....

Yesterday afternoon I went by Ron's apartment to pick up Eliza after work. He picks her up from school at 3:20 and I pick her up from his house at 5:00, when I get off work. Jesse came out to the car and asked if I could give him some money, he was going to the high school basketball game and needed some spending money. I gave him a $10 dollar bill and told him I wanted the change back. Ron came to the window and said he only had $20 to last until payday on the 1st or he would have given him money. I smarted off, that maybe he should budget better. I shouldn't have said that... I was being ugly and apologized later. He blurted back that I should be helping pay for the pigs, and I told him he should be helping with his kids. It was hurtful and stupid, and ugly. I left mad, and he called me crying. How could I say that he doesn't help with his kids? I told him that I wouldn't have said that if he would have not brought up that I wasn't supporting the pigs. I told him, that me nor the kids wanted the pigs... that HE did. I told him that I was paying electricity for them and was making sure they were fed, watered, walked, etc. Money that could be feeding my kids, clothing my kids, etc, should not be spent on some "dream hogs" that may or may not win the show... I love showing and everything that goes with it, but don't throw in my face something that I didn't want to do to begin with. Ughhhh...
The really sad part was, that after the argument we both apologized for what we said that was hurtful, and then Ron wrote me a 3 page text message about trying to work things out. He's broken, but not enough to change. I don't really understand if he's just not capable, or just doesn't want to change, but he isn't changing and hasn't changed! I feel so heartless, but have to stay strong to obey the Lord in this. Ron is not mine, he is God's. I cannot change him, only God can. I will not go back to the vomit to have my pearls trampled by him constantly. I will choose life. I cried at what he wrote, because it's all the right words, but there is no fruit to show me that he is for real. Divorce sucks! It's hard all the way around and I do not recommend it if there is a way around it. I do recommend however, God.... He is an awesome husband, provider, friend, listener. He doesn't have to change, he's perfect in every way. He is the kind of husband that leaves you always wanting more of him. Lord, fill my heart with you. Fill every part of my being with your truth, live, love, joy, and peace. I need you today..

Let me walk it out...

Well, I am sore. My weekend consisted of TEARING DOWN A BARN!! Hallelujah. The lady that advertised the barn on Craigslist said she CHOSE me out of over 40 emails to tear down the barn. Becca had asked her friends to help us tear down the barn and her boyfriend, Nick, who I'll talk about later, and another boy, Leonard, came to our rescue. Terry, another kid that I'll always love like my own, came later to help. We worked nonstop from 9 till around 4 o'clock on Saturday and got sooo much accomplished. It looked like when we first got there that it was so much that we couldn't do it. I never said that though.. we got our hammers and crowbars and went to work. After the first piece of tin came off, I knew we could do it. Leonard, a very strong boy and hard worker was the star of the day. He was good at it. He made the rest of us look very weak and it was good for him too. Jesse worked hard when it was only he and I, he's not motivated by mom's need in front of others for some reason. When Becca left to go get Terry, Jesse proved to himself that he could be a good worker. Nick, hurt his foot by stepping on a nail, and then it was time to quit work on Saturday. We left, tired, but excited about all that we accomplished. On Sunday, Leonard came with me and Becca and we loaded a borrowed trailer full with our tin and posts and lumber. We left some at the site that we will go back for this weekend, Lord willing. In the process of this, I saw Leonard's heart. Leonard is a boy that I adored all the way through Junior High while I worked there. He is quiet, but has a glowing heart that you can see through his beautiful blue eyes. He is now a strong kid, short and muscular, he does powerlifting for the high school. He is a wounded overcomer and that is what I am most drawn to. Leonard's mom is a drug addict from what I can remember. His grandmother was left to raise he and his two brothers. His grandmother did the best she could, but the kids were a lot for her. She got cancer, and went through a lot of distress. Recently, she has moved away to be with a boyfriend. Leonard's brother Jacob, who has mental issues, is now living with his mom. Jacob's twin, Alex, lives with his 20 year old cousin, and Leonard is living with a boy from school who doesn't really want him there. It feels like the family is housing him cause it's the right thing to do, not because they want him. Leonard is well liked by his peers and teachers. He goes to church regularly and is very active in his youth group. He is an overcomer. He is quiet, so you don't quite know what's on his mind. I was shocked on Sunday afternoon when I asked him how church was. His answer was, It was AMAZING! It took me back and I further questioned why... He was so impressed with the preacher's sermon. He said he had never seen him preach so passionately and it was just AMAZING! I think his self esteem is low because of his abandonment issues and his heart is so eager to please for those same reasons... I WANT HIM! He is asking Becca when we are going back to finish the barn. He knows I love him and always have. Please pray, I never expected or ever desired another child, but he is orphaned and needs love. I want him. I have said a few times jokingly to the Lord, "Can I keep him?" I have talked to Becca and Eliza about it.. They are thrilled. I have not talked to Jesse yet, but think he will enjoy Leonard's help with his goals for our property. And I know that Leonard will be a good role model for Jes. Jesse on Sunday tore down my chicken coop to add a bottom story to his treehouse. The funny thing is, that fixing the tree house and revamping the chicken coop are on my list of things to be done this year. I will pray for a while about Leonard joining our family. I absolutely have to hear God about this, but will get to spend time with Leonard again this weekend. He's coming to help again, because he wants to.

I went yesterday to the fairgrounds and noticed a big pile of walls and doors. I inquired about them and was told I could have them. I think I'll pick them up this weekend. I called a friend whose husband might can get me some telephone poles to use for my barn. I am so excited about what the Lord is doing, I am glad my steps are ordered by him, cause I sure don't know what I am doing... Hallelujah

We are nearly already through January...

Time is flying as it always has. I have so many things on my mind right now, but one of them of course is money. You know that life would be so much easier if you have money, right? That's how it seems on this side of life.. I have been getting up and walking every morning early, about 5:15 and spending time with the Lord. Now, about the first 10 minutes of our walk, I am praying and trying to quit thinking about how I am gonna make the mortgage, how I am going to pay the car note, electricity, the basic needs for my life. I am a generous person and give when I feel the urge, whether I have the money or not... I bless my kids with money and am trying to not look stressed out when they ask for yet another $20 for something that the school is promoting. I give at church and to those who I feel led to give to. I believe in giving and know that God has blessed me because of this principle. It is the sowing and reaping what you sow principle. I have seen it work in all sorts of areas of my life, like giving clothes and getting more clothes back.. (which becomes an issue when you're trying to get rid of clothes) lol. What I hear the Lord saying to me is, DO YOU TRUST ME... if you read my earlier posts you would see that this is a continual talk between God and I. I do adamantly say, YES, LORD, now. I should trust Him. I literally have not run out of money since August.. That's a miracle. Not even at Christmas time did I run out. That's a flat miracle and I am living proof that God is who He says He is. Worthy of trust, and absolutley worthy of praise. As I am writing this I am talking myself into trusting Him, you know.. The mortgage is coming soon, and I am believing God to move me into business, which is what I have had in my mind for as long as I can remember. I have been really trying to think of what I would enjoy doing with my life. I love entertaining at my home. I have always believed that if I had a big barn, I could do all sorts of birthday parties and events on my beautiful 4 acres.. This morning on Craigslist, I saw the opportunity to tear down a barn in a nearby town for the tin. I hesitated about it, but decided to answer the post. God is big enough, that if that's not what I am supposed to do, He'll give it to someone else, but I don't want to miss an opportunity, if it's meant for me. I said previously, that if the Lord opens a door, I am at least bound to explore the opportunity to see if it's for me. I am not gonna walk in fear and decide not to try something based on my lack of faith. Maybe that's what the scripture that I got this morning means...
James 2:14-17 What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith
but has no deeds? Can such faith save him? Suppose a brother
or sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you
says to him, "Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,"
but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it?
In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied
by action, is dead.

I want to act on faith with deeds. I want to walk in faith. It is impossible to please the Lord without faith. I so want to be pleasing as I know you do. Will you walk with me in faith for my business? Will you believe with me that God will open doors for us that no man can shut? Thank you for reading my ramblings... I appreciate your heart.

Couches and chairs..

Ask and you shall receive.. it seems that all at once my living room became livable again. Our Sonshine Center called me the other day to tell me they had a couch that I might like. It's a tan fold out couch, very plain and simple. I bought it for $40.00 and then the lady showed me the love seat to the couch I wanted to buy. They hadn't put it out on the floor because it was missing a cushion. After one look, I decided I could make a cushion that would work. I got it and have started working on the cushions. Hancock fabrics just happened to have all of their upholstery fabric for half off.. when I went. :) I also got the opportunity to shop at a local teacher's parents home and purchase a set of chocolate velvety swivel chairs with ottomans. They are in perfect condition. So.. I have living room furniture for company to enjoy now. My kids made sure we had plenty of company this long weekend to try it all out. I think we'll put the fold out couch upstairs in one of the bedrooms.
In keeping with the divorcing theme... Ron thinks my furniture is not necessary. He tried to talk me out of buying it. I have no idea why he would think I didn't need to purchase furniture for my bare room. I thought that was really weird.
Our divorce is final on February 12th. It looks like he is not gonna fight for custody of Jesse after consulting with his oh so wise lawyer. He had the nerve to ask me to let him claim the kids on his tax return since he was paying child support. He has kicked the support up to $300 a month, although I just read a note from his lawyer to mine that states the Texas requirement is $600 for his income. The $300 is just enough to make it where I am ineligible for Medicaid for the kids. They still qualify for Chips... So they Lord is weaning me from the State Welfare system... Hallelujah. I am seriously inquiring about a concession trailer with my friend Michelle. I'll update you on that later, but cooking is something we're both good at and it seems to provide a good profit.
The Lord has continued to supply all of my needs, and I have not run out of money since August. That alone is enough to praise Him for.. Lord knows it's not because of Ron's help. lol

Again my inadequacy..

So for months now I have been praying for a new couch. Not constantly or insistently, but my living room has zero furniture in it and it's rather echo-y in there. So the other day, I took the kids to the donut shop which sits directly facing our Sonshine Re-sell Center. I watched as someone unloaded a beautiful couch into the center and disregarded the nudging from the Lord to go buy it. I, in my opposite of faith, said in my heart, they'll want too much for it. I can't afford it, it's probably $150 at least. Blatantly I ignored the Lord and said, I'll go at lunch time.. So, at lunch time, I go and look at the couch which is more beautiful than I imagined.. I was sick when I saw the sold sticker on the back of it. I figured, oh well they probably got a fortune for it. On a whim, I decided to ask the lady how much they got for it... My stomach quickly soured when she told me $25.00. I had that in my purse. I pledge to at least look at every opportunity the Lord puts in front of me. At least investigate them from now on. Sooo, for now my living room is still very empty and loud.