While I did go back after being insructed to do so by a Christian counselor who had seen the best side of Ron in a 1 hour session, I was bitter. I had asked Ron for more time to heal myself. He refused that because it wasn't about me... it never is. It was that he couldn't deal with me being gone one more minute. He was so sweet for two weeks this time. He helped with everything he could physically do to make me happy. We had agreed to find a different counselor although I had really checked out at this point. We had determined we would read about 5 different books together and that should help fix it. At the end of two weeks, TV became more important than the books. The kids were starting to keep us busy with their activities again and then it happened. The anger showed back up. Now, being a woman that has watched anger for years, I know how to do it all right to try and keep it at bay. I know how to make sure the kids do their jobs, keep everyone flowing in peace, be sweet myself so that he can control himself. Anger is a spiritual issue. It is a deep rooted issue that takes time to get to the bottom of. Of course one word from God can change his life forever...and I know that. I know that God can deliver anyone from any issue they have. That person has to be willing to get before the Lord and confess their sins, hurts, and unforgiveness and let God heal them. I have become that person. One of the things I began to see all too clearly is that I am angry. The very thing I hate, I become, as Paul said. I don't want to be an angry, bitter, and hurt person. I am an overcomer through Christ Jesus. I most certainly do not want my children to live out the generational curse of being angry. They are awesome and full of so many gifts, I have to stop anger in its tracks. Unfortunately, that has begun with my husband. So...back to the story, after two weeks of his being good enough, which is Satan's lie.. he lost control again. He never really dealt with the issues to be healed although he knows that is key to this whole thing in his mind. His anger began showing itself in little ways with the kids and I. And then the explosion happened. On a Thursday in August, 2009 I was hosting, because it's my job desciption, the County 4-H Banquet. My day was crazy busy trying to print all the last minute details and then rush to the church to put the finishing touches on the decorations, food, etc. I was sitting in the midst of my boss, and an esteemed friend, filling out the last certificates for the kids to be awarded. Here he came in a small storm. He was angry as he pitched my cell phone, which I had accidently left in the truck, across the table at me. Of course he proceeded to chew me out in front of my friends using profanity about why I didn't have the phone. The friends made light of it, but once again, I felt 2 feet tall. Once the banquet was over we went home. I tried to lighten the spirit of the house as I visited with my oldest about how awesome she did speaking at the banquet. He came in and flicked her hair and told her he would cut it off if he ever saw her messing with it again while she was speaking. He could not believe that she would mess with her hair while speaking and how that disrupted the whole audience from being able to listen to her. He proceeded to explain that now he understood why she didn't win when she went to State competition 2 different times with her speaking skills. I stopped him there and told him that was ridiculous, she was an awesome speaker, and he got mad, stormed into the bedroom throwing a pot of spaghetti to the floor on the way and slammed his door. I cried with my daughter as we fell asleep together after much discussion. My fleeting thought was Lord, please help me.
Now I am a dreamer, and I have for years declared that I would NOT leave him without a specific WORD from God. He gave Joseph a fleeing word, to flee with his family, and He would do the same for me. My friends can testify that I refused to give up on my marriage until God speaks. Let me preface this by saying, I realize some of you cannot imagine God speaking to you in any form, much less a dream. But in my relationship with the Lord, I have learned how He speaks to me and dreaming is one method. His plan from the beginning with Adam and Eve was to have relationship with us. I woke up about 2:30am from a dream that I had that disturbed me a lot. In the dream I was in a camp like setting, there was a huge storm blowing in and people were running this way and that. In the midst of the storm, I was talking on the phone with my husband and letting him know that his mother had better back off from trying to take my children or I would hurt her. He was very pleasant and laughed and said he would talk to her. Then I went over to a pickup truck that my friends from the past were sitting in the back of. I leaned onto the tailgate and said, I realize the choices I have made have put me in this position, and I am going to try to make better choices. When I woke up I was in a tizzy thinking, Oh Lord, am I leaving him? Why was his mom trying to take Eliza from me. He was so light on the phone, were we friends? I prayed and prayed until 5:00 am when he got up and left for work. Once he was gone, I asked the Lord, in my heart, to please give me specific direction. I hear everything jumbled when I am upset. When I was finally back in a peaceful sleep, I dreamed that I was back in a camplike setting. A lady came to my cabin with a young boy. She said, he wants to talk to you about divorce and walked away. I inquired of the boy and he repeatedly said, you have to leave him. I tried to make light of the situation and assure the boy, when he started crying violently. He said, you don't understand, you have to leave or he will hurt you. I argued with him and said he has never hurt me, but I knew the boy had seen something that triggered his fear and I touched his shoulder to calm him. When I touched him I felt the presence of God on him and I said, are you saying this message is from God? and he said yes, you have to go. Then I woke up, or so I thought, into another dream. I thought I was awake and I was walking through my house and could see my kids in their beds and then I saw myself curled up in a ball in the middle of my living room floor. I was in a defensive position, when my father, who is with the Lord now, spoke to me and said, "You have to leave, PUDDIN" ( which is my dad's nickname for me). I woke up knowing God was saying go...
I spent the day planning my escape. I had been paid on Wednesday and had not deposited my check which is rare so I had $647.00. I called my best friend and told her everything that I had dreamed, and that I was planning to stay until Monday. I knew as I was saying it to her, that the Lord was going to have me go that night. I asked her and a few others to please pray for me to have wisdom.
That evening we were to go to Family Movie Night at the church we were attending. Jesse wanted to go to Vacation Bible School in town, which his dad had initially said he could, but changed his mind. I hadn't spoken to him all day, and when I came home that evening a friend of his was at the house so I got Jesse and we left to go town even though he didn't truly want him to. Jesse had made arrangements to spend the night at a friend's house. On my way back to the church, my husband called me angry and wanted me to come home. I told him, I would see him at church and we could talk after the Family Movie Night. NO..he wanted me home now. I was nice, but told him I wasn't coming. He told me he would come embarrass me at church and I said do whatever you need to. I warned the pastor, and luckily the kids were in the movie, so they didn't know what was going on. Here he came, and I was so very scared. I went to hide in the bathroom. He stormed in the door cursing loud enough for me to hear him. GD this and F that... and the pastor tried to calm him down. My husband poked his head in the bathroom cussing me and the pastor got him to go into a room where we could talk. He calmed a bit and we went in. The pastor asked that we each give our side of the story and I told of the two major incidents that had happened recently. My husband gave his side of the story, now learned that he has to admit his wrong to win points of approval for trying. I admitted my sin in not respecting a man that treats me and his kids that way. I declared I am not perfect and anger as well. I tried to nicely paint the picture, knowing this man of God would surely defend me. AND, he did not. He told us we were not to seperate, not to divorce, and I had to go home. I shoved a huge wall up knowing that this man barely knew me or my family and that he was just speaking from inexperience what he had been trained to say. The pastor felt the wall and my husband left thinking I would tuck my tail and come home. After he left, the pastor angrily told me that if I didn't go home I was in sin... I told him, I guess I will just have to be in sin then.
I am far from perfect, I am a woman that loves God but struggles with cussing, and anger, but I know that I know that I know that God said GO.
That was one of the hardest things I have ever done, but the Lord is faithful to me always.