What to write...

WOW. I stand amazed at His faithfulness to me. My friend has been praying for me that God will give me good gifts on purpose. Hard to imagine a God that would do that, but He wants us to see Him that way. How do I know, cause He's constantly proving Himself. I feel like He's courting me or something...weird, but awesome. I feel God showing off his strong arm on my behalf. Let me give you an example... Several months ago I spoke with a friend who I have known literally since I was 5. She told me about her talking to another friend that we share asking her to come up and visit him in North Carolina. She had excepted his offer to come and stay with his folks there the week after Christmas. I told her, I was jealous and that I wanted to come too. We laughed at the idea, and I told her we would pray about it and maybe God would work it out. First of all, it's Christmas so all of my extra money, by God's grace I'll have some left after bills, will go towards my kids Christmas. Second of all, it's a long shot for me to even pray about something like that cause it just feels so selfish. I rarely pray and ask God for something for myself, we are taught that we shouldn't be so greedy from an early age. BUNK God wants to give us good gifts, and he wants us to know they are from Him. I have heard in my spirit lots of times lately, make a Christmas list so I can show you how faithful I am. I have yet to do it, but even acknowledging it is a big step for me. Anyway...so my friend tells my other friend I am interested in coming and he calls excited at the prospect of both of us coming to visit. He's always been like a brother to me and his parents adopted me as their only daughter when we were in school. Soo... I have had enough money a few times to buy a ticket since then, but literally skipped the opportunity feeling so selfish to spend money that I could be using on my kids. I told Jody & Todd that I would go if God sent me someone to pay for it and tell me that was what the money was for. I really had let it go, and thought it was a slim chance, but would stir up hope when I talked to one of them. So, totally out of the blue a good friend calls and says she wants to pay for me to go. She said I deserve a break and that she wanted to bless me with this gift!! I am going to North Carolina on an airplane for a week after Christmas. I am soo excited. It's really hard to even imagine that I'll have a week with no worries, just fun. A VACATION for ME in another state. I am beside myself with anticipation of how God is going to use this in my life. Merry Christmas to me, From God. I hope you realize that I am in no way capable of making something like this happen on my own. I am making $1400 a month and have yet to run out of money. Ignore me when I say I am fearful about Christmas gifts for my kids. Remind me that My GOD IS SUPPLYING ALL OF MY NEEDS ACCORDING TO HIS RICHES IN GLORY!!

Out of the water...

So... the horse was already given away when I mustered up enough faith to call and secure it. I was disappointed and relieved all at once! I am disheartened at the thought of how excited my Jesse would have been with a horse of his own. I am really missing him these days!
He has been with his dad way too much and I feel so lonesome for his sweet freckled face. This part really stinks. I am trusting God to work it all out. It is because of all the dishoveled holiday plans that I am feeling like he's not been around. I will not give up on my relationship with my son, and know that God will prevail in his life, which is most important! I keep reminding myself that he is the Lord's child first, and then mine. The mama bear in me wants to throw Ron under the bus and totally expose all of the crap he's done to hurt my baby to the court and have all of my kids all to myself. Unfortunately, then I have to deal with my hurt little boy who wants his daddy right not. I am a safe place for him to run to when he needs me. Has anyone figured out why God hates divorce? This would be it... the seperation of family members is not fun. I am really hurting over this and would appreciate your prayers.
On a lighter note, I get to go to North Carolina for the week after Christmas. I told the Lord I wanted to go with my friend who is going to visit another friend, but that He would have to put it on someone's heart to pay my way cause I don't want to take away from my kids Christmas. A dear friend of mine called me last week and said she wanted to buy my ticket!! She said I deserved a break after all these years. Can you imagine? I am so excited I can hardly wiggle, but feel sooooo guilty for leaving my kids behind with their dad. I am having a hard time figuring out how to be a person and not just a wife and mother. Isn't it profound that God wants me to be a person first? Everything I have ever believed is that I am the other first. He wants all of ME...the real me... Leslie Kristen Kyle to come back to life. I am chosing life and I am choosing to go and have a blast, and I am choosing to celebrate my Savior as Leslie Kristen Kyle- His child, His friend, and His servant.

What to do, what to do...

As a result of me not being poverty minded and not fearing and giving the best things to my kids...I hate it when my own words come back and I have to either walk in the truth of them or be considered a liar! (see the last post if you're wondering what I am referring to) Months ago, I had asked the Lord to give Jesse a horse. Now...Jesse has always wanted a horse and has always loved the idea of being a roper.. He's really good with a rope on the ground and despite mine and Ron's pleas to teach him to not want to rope through the years, he has never given up on that dream of his. He gets that from me.. Holding onto dreams, that is.. Anyway, so... a lady that is in our 4-H group just came up and offered me a 4 year old Mustang horse. It's broken, has the US Mustang tatoo, and is FREE. Now I am thinking, are you kidding me Lord, do you want my boy to have a horse, really? It was just a fleeting thought, not a real investment Lord. I didn't mean it when I prayed, I was just asking.. My next question is Lord, if I get kicked out of my house for lack of funding, where is the horse gonna go? Me of little faith, I can feel God laughing right now. I am so double minded... I am glad the Lord has a sense of humor and deals lightly with me.

Listen, God is faithful. He is so faithful! I have been getting filled up since December of last year by a church in Huntsville called Family Faith Church. Dr. Tim Storey, who is a life coach to the stars in Hollywood, has been coming and filling my heart with truth and life. He has helped reestablish who I am in the Spirit and through the Holy Spirit, has been healing a part of me that I had given up on. My children have been one of my upmost concerns as they are going through this divorce with me. It has not been all glorious. Ron is still very controlling and tries to manipulate situations to his advantage. Suprise, suprise. It has been very difficult to know what to do with Jesse. Jesse's heart is for his daddy to love him unconditionally. He listens to all of Ron's stuff and soaks it into his soul to try and fix, to try and control himself. It is very disheartening and fearful. I am taking a stand in the spirit for Jesse's whole heart. I cannot be defeated when it comes to my children. God wants them fully whole and I have to know that the Jesus I am putting in them is enough to overcome the negetive attitudes that their dad lives with. It has been a battle. God is the victor!!!

Last night during Tim Storey, Jesse raised his hands to worship the Lord! Now this is the second time...ever in his lifetime that I have seen him broken before the Lord. Tim asked that we put our hands on our neighbors shoulders to pray for each other and Jesse prayed for me and the man next to him prayed for him. I spotted the tear that rolled down his face...I wanted to capture that tear. To put it in a special place to use it to wash over his hurt with life. But I know my God, and that He has done just that!! This little victory is enough to keep me flying high for a while.

This morning as I was praying for Jesse I realized that his self esteem is very low. He doesn't see how beautiful and smart, and athletic, and awesome he is. I am praying that God will show him. He has favor, as do all of my children, but he is not in a place where he sees it. Please pray for him. I feel like the shepard who has abandoned his other sheep to go after the lost one. We have Jesse in our hook though and are making him lie in green pastures and drink from cool waters to restore his soul.

On a fun note... as a result of my speaking at Gene and Sharon's church, they took up a magnificent offering for me. That was very humbling but I have been praying about what to do with the money. $500 went towards my house and car insurance which had lapsed... Now we have the world's required insurance again. With the remainder, I was able to buy Rebecca a calculator that she has been needing for 2 years, and a skirt and heels for FFA and Jesse a pair of Nike basketball shoes that he needs. I am also going to give Becca $40 for a softball helmet that her coach wants her to buy. The rest will probably pay a bill and help with our travels to watch Eliza play softball this weekend. Please don't ever let it be said or thought of me again that I am not taking care of my kids needs and desires. They really don't want much, just basics in life, and out of fear I have not provided all of those in the past. While they have dealt with it through the years, it has hurt my kids and made them think the Our Father is poverty minded.... HE IS NOT A POVERTY MINDED GOD. I will live in His Riches and believe for his best and know that our Father gives good gifts to his children! Help me with this Lord. Help me bless my kids.
I need more faith Lord, you said if I would ask, you would give more faith... I'm asking.

I did it!

Several weeks ago a dear friend of mine had a dream about me. I called my pastor friends to share the dream she had and after much discussion we agreed that the Lord might be calling me to share my testimony publically. I prayed about it and called my friends back and told them I wanted to come share with their church. Graciously and enthusiastically they asked me to do just that. So for the last 2 weeks I have been praying nervously asking God for what I am supposed to say. I thought it would be wise to write down notes so I didn't lose my point, and I had a lot of people praying for me. I have wanted to share and speak for a long, long time but have never really felt worthy. I haven't been through enough or overcome enough to be interesting to listen to.. I am not smart enough to speak eliquently or full of the Lord enough to be used. I am not good enough!! that is what I have always heard. The dream didn't leave much room for my excuses, but instead showed that it is time for me to start sharing my testimony.. Soo... I did. I got up and bawled all the way through it which was really weird because I didn't feel sad or anything...it was definately a different feeling.
I didn't really even realize I was crying, but my daughter says I was and I remember getting a kleenex at one point to wipe my eyes.. huh.?.? After I finished testifying, the pastor asked if anyone wanted me to pray for them... That was kind of funny because, I was hoping they'd pray for me. Several stood up and asked for prayer from me... WOW.

I am very humbled and know that God is up to something exciting. I loved speaking and had a great time yesterday sharing what God is doing in me. To top it all off, after I finished speaking, my daughter, Rebecca, stood up and shared a dream that she had had the night before. In the dream she and I were driving my truck together, switching off, and we had a bunch of folks in our truck. Along the road there were lots of cars crashing all around us, sometimes in front of us, and sometimes beside us, but we just kept going never crashing. Becca said that she at one point that they didn't need to fear because God was not gonna let us crash!! Her having God's boldness to get up and share her dream made my day! I think that dream promises that she and I will be ministering together and that God is going to get us to where we are headed despite all of the obstacles.

Hallelujah!!

Change is in the air...

Can you smell it? Don't you hear the Lord calling you to CHANGE? Maybe it's just a little insignificant change for your life. Maybe it's getting up earlier cause Joy comes in the morning. The Lord is calling me to change. He's changing me and I am hesitant to conform. I like myself right? What can I do better, what can I change to give me that leading edge in life? The Lord says...TRUST ME. Walk by faith. Trust me...walk by faith...TRUST ME, WALK by faith!!! I have always been looked on by others as a faith walker...someone who hoards over the word of God and believes it to be true. I am that. I do believe the word to be true for you, easily. For others, without question, but for myself and my family...I had given up. Not completely, I still have held onto my vision..by dream of running a barnyard birthday party business with a big barn on my 4 acres... but lots of other things, I quit believing for.

Faith never quits working. If you once had a glimmer of faith about something, it is still in action until that thing comes to pass. The more faith you have the less obstacles your object has to overcome to be victorious. I don't know where I am going with that.. but I think it's good truth.

My faith has centered around thing the Lord will eventually lead me into. Ministering at some level has always been my ultimate goal. I have masked it by wanting to build a barn for my business, but in times past a barn was where I was ministered to most. I have always wanted to have a place where a lot of people could gather and feel comfortable. I see myself serving people and giving the Lord a place to move. Interestingly enough Ron never got on board with my vision. He just saw the work it would be to build the barn and not the blessing it would be to serve people. My vision for ministering is still kindling. One of my friends said the Lord told her I was like a Mother Hen...I continue to brood over the vision for myself and others until they hatch.. Cluck, cluck.

I am extremely excited about this coming weekend. Gene & Sharon Jones, dear friends of mine for years now, pastor in Cleburne at a small spirit led church. I was telling the Jone's all the things the Lord is doing in my life through the divorce, and they asked me to come testify about it. WOW...I have never truly testified in front of a lot people. I have to admit I am a bit nervous. I am trusting the Lord to open my mouth and insert the right words. My heart is to honor Him.

I am still waiting on answers about my future job.. I have interview at both the Trans Ova and Center Ranch facility. The American Cancer Society regretfully declined the opportunity to meet with me..:( God only knows what he has planned for me and which doors He will open, if any. I love my job here, so leaving for me is sad. I lift my eyes to the hills from where does my help come? My help it comes from the Lord, maker of heaven and earth.

If you've taken the time to read this post, I praise God that it was interesting enough to read... Bless you and your family. Believe that God has great things for you, He's looking for someone like you to recieve His blessing.

Here we go...

I am not sure how much I have divuldged at this point about my job situation. My poor boss came in Wednesday like a whooped puppy dog. He was so disappointed that his scheme to give me part of his pay wouldn't work. The Lord had already told me it wouldn't because when Billy leaves Madison County Extension, then I would be being paid the amount that the new agent would need to be making... Anyway, so he told me reluctantly about another job that he knew about working for Center Ranch Veterinary Clinic in Centerville. It is an Office Manager for a Vet Office. Now, that seems pretty busy to me, which is fine. I haven't heard what the pay is, but did go ahead and submit my resume.

Mr. Arnold called this morning and told me they had me at the top of the list for the job at Trans Ova Genetics in Centerville. He said it'll be yet another week before they do interviews... all this is fine because Jesse's braces have to be approved through Medicaid first anyway. Medicaid, once approved will pay whether I get a better job or not! Praise the Lord. The dentist thought we'd have no trouble getting approved.

In the mean time, I was looking for the Center Vet Office position online and came across another job that really excites me. It's the Community Manager for American Cancer Society in Bryan. Now I have to admit that the pay starting at $37,000 is a huge bonus, but the job is organizing events for the ACS. The thing is, I would be organizing them with people that are committed to the cause. I am perfect for that job. With all of my experience in doing large events over the years for various fundraising projects, I should at least get an interview. Who knows but God...? I would actually get to minister in something that I can be passionate about. Of course, I am passionate about people...all people, but this different career path has definately sparked my interest. I hate cancer, and could see myself laying hands on people and praying all over Texas! WOWOWOWOWOW



Wouldn't that be fun? It's exciting anyway, to think I might qualify.


Now listen to my latest adventure... I have athlete's foot. I have fought athlete's foot for a long, long time off and on. I think it's the sugar that I eat, and how my body processes it cause invariably I always manifest some sort of yeast in my body. YUCKKK! Well, I heard an ad the other day for a Clinical Testing Facility doing a study on athlete's foot in Bryan. The test pays $1,100 once completed. It's a month study and requires a lot of blood work. That part isn't fun, but the last time they did the study they cured most of the people from the disease. I'm thinking free medicine plus getting paid, plus an electrocardiagram...etc. It could be good Christmas money, right? When I called they were full of patients and didn't need me. I left it in the Lord's hands and they called the next morning and asked me to come next Wednesday morning at 7:00 am.



Pretty much, I have not run out of money and I continue to declare that. It is true, by God's grace, but I was scraping the bottom of the barrel right before payday last week. I needed gas money and was believing God to provide so I could get to work the next day. I have change in a large vase that I have been saving up, but not wanting to touch. I went out to the pig barn to feed the pigs that I have since sold!! Laying on the feed table, right where I left it two weeks ago, I noticed the $20.00 bill wedged between two pieces of plexiglass. I had left it for Pops ( my neighbor and adopted Daddy) to take and buy some more pig feed. I never called him and told him it was there, and he never said a word about it. I grabbed it and had enough to make it through one more day until payday!!



Now of course, I am having a hard time letting go of the payday money to pay my bills... It's that poverty mentality of where is it going to come from if I let it go? There will be no more. Let me tell you the truth though. There is always more. You may not know where it will come from, but there is always more if you are God's child. He will provide.



Another tidbit that I have to look forward to... my mailbox provided a letter from Teacher's retirement from when I worked at the school. It turns out they didn't pay me all they owed me! I will be getting a $60.00 check sometime unexpectantly. Won't that be at the perfect time? It always is.



I'm learning that God is a better husband than anyone could ask for. He's patient, kind, gentle, and helps pay the bills!! LOL

This last week was more than I could ask or believe for. It was my oldest daughter Rebecca's birthday on Sat. the 10th. I love birthday parties and have always thrown big parties so much so that it is getting hard to top the last one. I don't usually spend a lot of money, but put a lot of thought into how to best bless my kids and their friends. Rebecca turned 16 and her favorite thing to do these days is Civil War Reenactments, especially the reenactment dance. She's made lots of friends through this avenue and it has been something that the whole family enjoys. She found out that there was going to be a reenactment in Grandview, Texas a few weeks ago and asked if we could attend the dance for her birthday. At first I really blew off the idea, but as the Lord spoke to me about it, I decided to go for it. We loaded up several of her friends from Madisonville and met friends that she had grown up with. The friends she grew up with were a big suprise to her and it turned out to be a lot of fun. In the mean time I got to visit with my friends that I hadn't seen in a long time and that was a blast. We had a great time overall and I know Becca's sweet 16 couldn't have been more perfect. On top of that, her friends want to keep going to the dances with us! That will be great fun!
Another tidbit of faithfulness of my Lord, my son Jesse is 13 and he has desperately needed braces for some time now. Jesse knows he needs braces and has asked us for a couple of years now to get him some. Since I left Ron, I qualify for Medicaid...now I didn't really consider this until the other day, but Medicaid pays for braces if you really need them. Ron has full dental insurance, but braces cost $3,000 and his dental pays half of that. Medicaid will pay the remainder of the bill! Now trying to find a orthodontist who will bill Medicaid is another rodeo. I finally located one in Bryan and spoke with the receptionist. She told me that Medicaid patients have to wait 6-9 months before even being considered. I told her that I wanted to be very honest with her. I told her that I was looking to get a better job and may not need Medicaid once I do, but that there would be no way I could afford braces short of this small window of opportunity. She told me she had to call the people on the waiting list and roll them in. I said fine and I told Jesse we would have to pray... she called me back the next morning and said come see them Monday morning, October 19th which is Jesse's Birthday! I feel so incredibly blessed. She also said that once he is accepted by Medicaid for braces, they would pay whether I got the better job or not!

Hallelujah.. I know it's a small victory, but everyone counts at this point. I just feel so continually blessed to have a God that takes care of my needs according to His riches in Glory!

Another adventure waiting to unfold.

I am getting really excited about several things.. isn't excitement the best feeling? You feel like God can do anything and you are anticipating the best, because He loves you! He does love you. He does want the best for you. He wants to stir the excitement in you. Try it...it's a great feeling. What in the world am I so giddy about? Well...first of all, I spoke with my boss and told him of the new career opportunity unfolding. He handled it beautifully and said all the right things. Like, he was gonna tell them I'm a crack head so they won't want me. GRINNING all the while. This morning I really wanted him to tell me what I need to work on, what are my weaknesses, so I'll be prepared when they ask me in the interview I am getting ready for. He said I was pretty close to perfect... now I know he's lying, but it is really nice to be wanted and needed. Anyway.. I hinted that a job might be in the forecast for my future because of finances, and I really believe it is. I spoke with a man at Trans Ova Genetics, which is a company that is stationed in Iowa but has a regional office in Centerville. He is the one who I need to charm into giving me this $30,000 job. He needs me and I need the money...so I think we'll be a good match. He was very nice on the phone and seemed pleased that I was coming to meet him tomorrow with my resume and application. I spoke with my friend Mr. Arnold, who told me of the job and he told me he had been building me up to them. I know I have God's favor and that His plan will unfold in my life. The Lord promised that He would bless me all around Ron. I know He will. Also, my oldest daughter Rebecca has her 16th birthday on Saturday, October 10th. I am so excited because I have arranged for a lot of my old friends to meet us at a Civil War Re-enactment Dance in Grandview, Texas. Rebecca is bringing some of her friends with us, we are going to tent camp and my kids will be dressed to the era. Excitement is in the air. I sooo long to be with my friends even if only briefly. I love what God is doing and can't wait for the picture to unfold. I do pray His perfect will in all of it though. I truly enjoy the job I am in and want the Lord to direct all of my steps.

While I am waiting...

Wow, it seems like time is flying. I just read my last post and am amazed at the process God is taking me through. I will worship while I'm waiting, I will serve Him while I'm waiting... that's my daughter's ring tone on her phone, and one of my theme songs for the season. When I reread the last post I realized that I sounded pitiful. My hope is that my faith will overcome my fear as they collide continually. I can say, God is always more than I can ask or think and has always provided abundantly for me and my children. His arm is not too short, for sure. I get paid in a few days and praise God, I will be able to pay my bills short of the house note, for now. But I am still enjoying my house on 4 acres and the dogs, pigs and chickens are glad that we have not moved to the big city yet. As far as knowing what God is doing, I have never been any good at guessing and just when I think I've got Him figured out, He changes the plan anyway. For instance, a few weeks ago, my boss came in and told me that the man in charge of county jobs told him that I may be able to work a part time job with the county within my own job and get paid for both. That was terribly exciting because that would mean $32,000 a year as opposed to the $21,000 I make now. I was dreaming of all the bills I could pay, the gas I could buy, and the house I would be able to afford if they modified the loan. I just knew that God would do that for me. With more investigation, I realized that my dear friend was actually leaving her job, and that her leaving would give me this opportunity for more money. In talking to her about it, we decided that I could do both jobs fairly easily, and it would work wonderful as long as her boss was game. Two Fridays ago, she called me and said, her boss was leaving and that the new boss would require a full time secretary- so...that job was not mine. BUMMER...I fretted a bit about it, but always try to lean on the Lord, knowing that something better is just around the corner. It turned out that same afternoon I met a friend, who had told me of a job within the company that he works for the year before. He told me that his Office Manager was leaving and that I should put in for the job. Now, I am in the same boat, not wanting to overstep God, only wanting to do what he leads me to, but also getting excited that it could be. The job pays better, has better benefits, and from all the talk has less stress. Would God give me such a position? Of course He would. He will give me the desire of my heart. So...at first I was really opposed to leaving my current position, but know that it will be more stress to work 2 jobs than to find one good paying one. I am warming up to the idea of leaving, even though this job is the best I have ever had. I hate seeing through the glass dimly. I would rather hear exactly what I am supposed to do, but know that God opens the doors in my life he wants opened and shuts those he wants shut. I know that I have favor with all men because of the Lord, and that if He wants me to work in a different place he'll give it to me. After all, he gave me the job I am in. I wasn't looking for it, it found me. Isn't walking with the Lord fun. My dearest friend's mom says, Life's an adventure if you've got the guts to live it. I'm living it, Lord. I hope you see me living it and know that I am wanting to fully give it to you now. It's no longer what Leslie wants, but the plans you have for me.Help me not sway off the path you have designed for me. Help me hear and see exactly where and what the next step is that you've raised before. Hear my heart, oh Lord, I love you and want you, and can't live without you. Help me! Praise you for helping me! Thank you for your provision. Thank you for knowing my heart's desire. THank you for letting me minister to those that have ears to hear your goodness. I love you, Lord! You are soo good to me all the time.

Again, do you trust me?

The Lord keeps saying this over and over and sometimes I think it's the only thing I can hear clearly. I know He wants our full unconditional trust and it is easier and easier to say yes, I trust you Lord. It's scary though and I know fear is the opposite of faith. I could have sworn I heard him say pack your house yesterday morning. Now as I said before, for over a month we stayed at a friend's house and now, we are staying at my house. Ron got an apartment in town and our house was empty so I knew it was a good move for us. I really thought as I was moving there that I was so thankful that God would give me time to get my stuff together. I have thoughts of trying to sell the place, and thoughts of just living there until they kick us out. I can't make the $1,000 payment per month and Ron skipped last month's payment so forclosure is looming. Neither of us can afford it on our own. We could barely afford it together. My paycheck is $690.00 every two weeks. Thank God today is payday. I have to pay 2 car notes. One of which is the last payment so I will be recieving the title to a car I have already sold. I will get $150 in a few payments from a neighbor down the street for our busted head gasket Kia. I drove the heck out of that car. They already came and hauled it out of our yard. I have to pay $150 to the Cannon's for the utilities I used while enjoying their mom's house. So that leaves about $152.00 to make it through for 2 more weeks. :) Praise the Lord! He is so faithful to take care of my needs according to his riches in glory! I also have to pay the phone bill sometime, but am putting it off until next payday I believe. The electric will be due then. Hopefully I can get a Lone Star card to take care of the food needs. So far, we still have food. I am truly thankful for God's provision. I have peace about all of it. I do need to go get a fuel filter for my Excursion. Ron said he'd put it in. I want Everett (Pops) to do it. It's funny how Ron all of the sudden wants to be the one to take care of us. We'll see what happens there. I can say, he's saying all of the right things, I just know that the inside has not conformed yet to what he's saying. Time will tell. It's been peaceful in our house. All the kids are piled up in my bed and in a bed they drug in my room. We've been watching movies at night together, after supper, homework and chores. NICE.. Eliza got pouty with me last night because I asked her to help with a few things. She whined and complained and was a real brat. I swatted her hiney with a wooden spoon and asked her to change her attitude. She didn't. I held her throughout the movie and reminded her how awesome she is. She is spoiled rotten though and during her discipline spouted that I hated her and that she wanted to live with her dad. I told her, I did not like the way she was acting and that she would not use her dad against me. He's really being nice to the kids and spoiling them a lot which is good and bad. I hope it doesn't always make me the bad guy. I'm glad the kids are enjoying their dad and vice versa. That in itself is enough to satisfy for a while.

Leaving the kids out of it...

I think that the idea of leaving the kids out of the mess is a noble thought. However, it is nearly impossible to not have issues where the kids are out of the loop.. My issue all along with Ron has been his anger. He has been angry for years and yelling and growling and grumbling has overcome his personality. He loves his kids and has always loved being a part of their life. It is very hard on him for the kids to be with me during the week and with him on the weekends. I understand missing them, because I miss them when they are with him. I allow him to pick them up afterschool and spend that hour and a half with them until I get off. This time has been especially good for Eliza because she gets him mostly to herself. My oldest, Rebecca has a lot of hurt with Ron and at this point is passively refusing to go stay with him. She's trying to do it sweetly, but the truth is she just doesn't want to spend time with him. She recently came up with an excuse and when she said it, I knew she has a long way to healing. The younger two, especially Jesse, feel sorry for Ron being alone and they want to be there to comfort him. I have encouraged Rebecca to stay with her dad because I know that her forgiving him will be the key to her own freedom. Ron is so broken at this point, he's become the ideal parent and father to his kids. Part of that is his realization of what he's losing and the other part is his manipulation to keep them coming. I don't care what it's called. If he's being good to his kids then I want them to see him. I know kids need a father figure. Ron knows right from wrong and will hopefully begin to steer the kids the right way. Our separation has definatly caused him to step up to the plate. Last night my heart was broken when it was time for me to get the kids and Jesse called me. Jesse wanted to know if he could spend one more night with his dad. I told him I would prefer that he come home. A bit later, Ron called and said that he didn't see why it wasn't okay for Jesse to spend more time with his dad. I was quickly angered at this, because I don't want it to be a fight. I told him whatever, he was going to make everything difficult so he would get his way. He told me I was being controlling...which is true. When I went to pick up Eliza, Jesse came to the car and said he wanted to stay with dad so he could watch a movie and could I come back and get him later. I asked when and he said the movie was over at 10:00pm. A tear ran down my face as I realized that I was defeated by a stinking movie and cable TV. I told him he could just stay...I would get him in the morning. He decided not to, unfortunately because of the pain in my eyes but we had a wonderful night together as a family. It's hard though. What is right and what is wrong? Ron in one minute was crying on the phone to me and in the next second was angry and no longer crying? How do you turn that off and on so easily? It's so easy to be tossed and turned by my feelings. I have to count on the Lord to gauge the truth. They are his kids and he has as much right to them as I. I don't want them to not know him, but I want them to know the truth about him and the anger he bears. I am hoping for freedom through seeing the bad results in their father's decisions. I pray my kids make it through this with grace, peace, and every sustinance of God. I pray they choose life in every area including marriage and relationships. I pray they change others lives through the crap they have had to live. I pray it will all be for God's glory.

And there God goes again...

He is such a blessing to serve. Thank you Lord for blessing me. So when I stayed at a friends house I should say, a friend let me and my kids live in her mother's house for over a month. It was fully furnished and had everything I could possibly need. The whole time I was able to sleep very peacefully and knew that the house was God's provision for us. I feel very blessed that God has used people that I would never expect to bless me. That being said, in the midst of me staying there, I knew I had a timeline of one month to get my stuff together. I knocked on every door I could find and settled in on the help from a very wealthy friend who has several rent houses. I kept thinking that was God's plan, but I have been fretting all along. Worrying about the amount the rent would cost, how I could afford it, why Section 8 or Hud housing is so hard to get into, and what in the world I was going to do. The friend was such a blessing trying to fix it for me, although the houses they wanted me to move to weren't quite ready. My deadline to be out of the mother's house was last Friday, and still nothing was open for me. I hesitantly asked if they could extend the deadline till this Friday..and they were very accomidating. After so many weeks of worrying and praying in FAITH? I know faith and worry are opposite, but the Lord caused my husband to find an affordable apartment!!! Yeah, I can go back to my home, which I love on 4.5 acres. I can take my middle of the night walks up my hill through my pasture with only the cows and God to hear my heart. I am so excited. I honestly had figured that Ron would stay put as long as possible, but the Lord gave me a scripture yesterday. It was 1 Kings 12:24 'This is what the LORD says: Do not go up to fight against your brothers, the Israelites. Go home, every one of you, for this is my doing.' " So they obeyed the word of the LORD and went home again, as the LORD had ordered." Wow...when I recieved that word yesterday morning I thought I was going home to Ron and I was a bit hesitant to declare it a word from the Lord. Now that he is not in my home, so I don't have to fight against him, I am ecstatic! Before we left, I felt like the Lord was causing us to get our house ready to sell, so I am gonna go home, clean out the anger, and then clean up the house. I'll let God lead from now on... I hate that I know the truth and choose to walk in FEAR anyway. Please deliver me, Lord. You know my heart is to trust you.
Lord,
Please bless whoever finds this to read. Bless their family, their children, and their mind. Give them peace today and bless them for hurting over my situation.
I praise you for your continual masters touch on my life. I praise you for working all things together for the good of those that love you and are called to your purpose. I need you, Lord and I can't do this without you. Thank you for directing my steps and letting me rest in the peace of knowing that you are more than enough.
I love you.
In Jesus Name.

Do you trust me?

I left after that horrible night at the church and we stayed in a hotel for the night and then went to a friends house for the next few days. During that time I have cried, been angry, fought with him on the phone and fought with God. I love you Lord, I need to hear your voice..."do you trust me?" He says. Just one month earlier when I left the first time that was the continual voice of the Lord to me..."do you trust me?" I went through mornings of saying, "NO, why should I... you left me 16 years with a man who has torn down every self confidence and positive thought I can muster, why would I trust You?" He finally softly said, "Just say you do, even if you don't." So...I am answering yes every time I hear Him ask. I know the Lord is building my trust back. Unfortunately, I cannot hear anything else at this point. It has been 4 weeks since I left.

While I did go back after being insructed to do so by a Christian counselor who had seen the best side of Ron in a 1 hour session, I was bitter. I had asked Ron for more time to heal myself. He refused that because it wasn't about me... it never is. It was that he couldn't deal with me being gone one more minute. He was so sweet for two weeks this time. He helped with everything he could physically do to make me happy. We had agreed to find a different counselor although I had really checked out at this point. We had determined we would read about 5 different books together and that should help fix it. At the end of two weeks, TV became more important than the books. The kids were starting to keep us busy with their activities again and then it happened. The anger showed back up. Now, being a woman that has watched anger for years, I know how to do it all right to try and keep it at bay. I know how to make sure the kids do their jobs, keep everyone flowing in peace, be sweet myself so that he can control himself. Anger is a spiritual issue. It is a deep rooted issue that takes time to get to the bottom of. Of course one word from God can change his life forever...and I know that. I know that God can deliver anyone from any issue they have. That person has to be willing to get before the Lord and confess their sins, hurts, and unforgiveness and let God heal them. I have become that person. One of the things I began to see all too clearly is that I am angry. The very thing I hate, I become, as Paul said. I don't want to be an angry, bitter, and hurt person. I am an overcomer through Christ Jesus. I most certainly do not want my children to live out the generational curse of being angry. They are awesome and full of so many gifts, I have to stop anger in its tracks. Unfortunately, that has begun with my husband. So...back to the story, after two weeks of his being good enough, which is Satan's lie.. he lost control again. He never really dealt with the issues to be healed although he knows that is key to this whole thing in his mind. His anger began showing itself in little ways with the kids and I. And then the explosion happened. On a Thursday in August, 2009 I was hosting, because it's my job desciption, the County 4-H Banquet. My day was crazy busy trying to print all the last minute details and then rush to the church to put the finishing touches on the decorations, food, etc. I was sitting in the midst of my boss, and an esteemed friend, filling out the last certificates for the kids to be awarded. Here he came in a small storm. He was angry as he pitched my cell phone, which I had accidently left in the truck, across the table at me. Of course he proceeded to chew me out in front of my friends using profanity about why I didn't have the phone. The friends made light of it, but once again, I felt 2 feet tall. Once the banquet was over we went home. I tried to lighten the spirit of the house as I visited with my oldest about how awesome she did speaking at the banquet. He came in and flicked her hair and told her he would cut it off if he ever saw her messing with it again while she was speaking. He could not believe that she would mess with her hair while speaking and how that disrupted the whole audience from being able to listen to her. He proceeded to explain that now he understood why she didn't win when she went to State competition 2 different times with her speaking skills. I stopped him there and told him that was ridiculous, she was an awesome speaker, and he got mad, stormed into the bedroom throwing a pot of spaghetti to the floor on the way and slammed his door. I cried with my daughter as we fell asleep together after much discussion. My fleeting thought was Lord, please help me.
Now I am a dreamer, and I have for years declared that I would NOT leave him without a specific WORD from God. He gave Joseph a fleeing word, to flee with his family, and He would do the same for me. My friends can testify that I refused to give up on my marriage until God speaks. Let me preface this by saying, I realize some of you cannot imagine God speaking to you in any form, much less a dream. But in my relationship with the Lord, I have learned how He speaks to me and dreaming is one method. His plan from the beginning with Adam and Eve was to have relationship with us. I woke up about 2:30am from a dream that I had that disturbed me a lot. In the dream I was in a camp like setting, there was a huge storm blowing in and people were running this way and that. In the midst of the storm, I was talking on the phone with my husband and letting him know that his mother had better back off from trying to take my children or I would hurt her. He was very pleasant and laughed and said he would talk to her. Then I went over to a pickup truck that my friends from the past were sitting in the back of. I leaned onto the tailgate and said, I realize the choices I have made have put me in this position, and I am going to try to make better choices. When I woke up I was in a tizzy thinking, Oh Lord, am I leaving him? Why was his mom trying to take Eliza from me. He was so light on the phone, were we friends? I prayed and prayed until 5:00 am when he got up and left for work. Once he was gone, I asked the Lord, in my heart, to please give me specific direction. I hear everything jumbled when I am upset. When I was finally back in a peaceful sleep, I dreamed that I was back in a camplike setting. A lady came to my cabin with a young boy. She said, he wants to talk to you about divorce and walked away. I inquired of the boy and he repeatedly said, you have to leave him. I tried to make light of the situation and assure the boy, when he started crying violently. He said, you don't understand, you have to leave or he will hurt you. I argued with him and said he has never hurt me, but I knew the boy had seen something that triggered his fear and I touched his shoulder to calm him. When I touched him I felt the presence of God on him and I said, are you saying this message is from God? and he said yes, you have to go. Then I woke up, or so I thought, into another dream. I thought I was awake and I was walking through my house and could see my kids in their beds and then I saw myself curled up in a ball in the middle of my living room floor. I was in a defensive position, when my father, who is with the Lord now, spoke to me and said, "You have to leave, PUDDIN" ( which is my dad's nickname for me). I woke up knowing God was saying go...
I spent the day planning my escape. I had been paid on Wednesday and had not deposited my check which is rare so I had $647.00. I called my best friend and told her everything that I had dreamed, and that I was planning to stay until Monday. I knew as I was saying it to her, that the Lord was going to have me go that night. I asked her and a few others to please pray for me to have wisdom.
That evening we were to go to Family Movie Night at the church we were attending. Jesse wanted to go to Vacation Bible School in town, which his dad had initially said he could, but changed his mind. I hadn't spoken to him all day, and when I came home that evening a friend of his was at the house so I got Jesse and we left to go town even though he didn't truly want him to. Jesse had made arrangements to spend the night at a friend's house. On my way back to the church, my husband called me angry and wanted me to come home. I told him, I would see him at church and we could talk after the Family Movie Night. NO..he wanted me home now. I was nice, but told him I wasn't coming. He told me he would come embarrass me at church and I said do whatever you need to. I warned the pastor, and luckily the kids were in the movie, so they didn't know what was going on. Here he came, and I was so very scared. I went to hide in the bathroom. He stormed in the door cursing loud enough for me to hear him. GD this and F that... and the pastor tried to calm him down. My husband poked his head in the bathroom cussing me and the pastor got him to go into a room where we could talk. He calmed a bit and we went in. The pastor asked that we each give our side of the story and I told of the two major incidents that had happened recently. My husband gave his side of the story, now learned that he has to admit his wrong to win points of approval for trying. I admitted my sin in not respecting a man that treats me and his kids that way. I declared I am not perfect and anger as well. I tried to nicely paint the picture, knowing this man of God would surely defend me. AND, he did not. He told us we were not to seperate, not to divorce, and I had to go home. I shoved a huge wall up knowing that this man barely knew me or my family and that he was just speaking from inexperience what he had been trained to say. The pastor felt the wall and my husband left thinking I would tuck my tail and come home. After he left, the pastor angrily told me that if I didn't go home I was in sin... I told him, I guess I will just have to be in sin then.
I am far from perfect, I am a woman that loves God but struggles with cussing, and anger, but I know that I know that I know that God said GO.
That was one of the hardest things I have ever done, but the Lord is faithful to me always.

Would God do that?

Let me preface this whole thing by saying...God hates divorce. I am for marriage, so do not use this post as an excuse to leave your spouse. I am a 36 year old peace maker and a woman who has walked with the Lord since the age of 13. As a teen, I felt condemned to hell for my sins and continually went to the alter by myself when the preacher called for prayer on Sunday mornings. I have always been a person who wants to do it "right enough" and to be good in everything I do. I am a people pleaser, which has caused me grief and joy. I am a well thought of Christian lady who has the perfect family who does it all right, at least in the public eye. I am nice to everyone, even when it's not easy, and people love me. I have the favor of God on my life and that shows in my work, my kids, and my friendships. All that to say... I really have a heart for Jesus Christ and have been in love with him for some time. I seek Him daily and pray and praise Him on an hourly basis... I believe I am a "real Christian" not perfect in any way, but knowing that my righteousness is as dirty rags. Only through Christ am I redeemed and only through Him can I be saved daily.

I have been in a relationship with a man, who I love, for 16 years. We met in college, because we sat together in nearly all of our classes. Our last names were in alphabetical order... After a few months of dating, and promiscuity, I became pregnant with my oldest girl. I remember having the thought as I was dating that my boyfriend took such good care of me. He was in total control and I didn't have to worry about a thing. Control was there from the beginning, and I missed the warning sign. Anger and control go hand in hand...and a rageaholic quickly became his montra. While he NEVER laid a hand on me physically, he emotionally battered me and my kids for most of the 16 years and even to this day. So many occurances that I don't remember them all... by God's grace. I can point back to a few instances so you get the idea. October of 1993 we were together with our 5 day old baby girl in church. My mother was there, it was my home church where I grew up. We had moved to my hometown because my mom was dying of Adrenal cancer. Mom wanted to hold the baby and show her off to all of her friends.. He wouldn't allow her to hold the baby. He was a proud daddy and he wanted to show off his baby. My dying mother was of course crushed, as was I when I had to tell her that she should not make me choose between her and him. I would have to by all Christian duties choose him. Thankfully, Mom let it go and loved him as best she could. I am still grieved over this immature mistake, and though I have forgiven him for it, realize that it marked my life. There are undoubtable many, many incidences that have dulled my senses through time...my friends however, can quickly recall the time he threw his baseball glove at me because I had forgot to grab his cleats (even though he was there too). Or when he abruptly announced it was time to go home during the middle of a party or gathering. Or when I was told to shut the "f" up for adding my two cents to any conversation he was dominating. And the list goes on.

The turning point for me was last October 2008. We were in the middle of a very heated argument over who knows what. We stopped at the gas station to get gas and he spurted one too many angry words at me. When I went to get out of the car, because I was mad, I apparently spilled his spit cup on him. I in turn recieved a wad of slimy, packed snuff thrown in my face at which I got out of the car and walked for about an hour to our County Fairgrounds and hid and cried. He never came for me... I was all alone, he had my kids, and I had no phone or way to get help. It was approaching dark, and I contemplated sleeping in the covered arena area...after all, I was on the fairboard, if anyone came by and questioned my being there. After much prayer, I decided I had to get to my children. I could not imagine the torment they were in worrying for me. I walked to a nearby neighbor's house to borrow the phone. I regretfully submitted once again to my husband. I wrote him a long and thought out letter explaining that I was not interested in divorce, but that I did want him to seek help. I gave him the rules that I needed him to adhere to so that I could see progress in our relationship. I asked forgiveness for my own disrespect and willed to try and fix it. It worked!!! He got better for at least a whole week. Now...he doesn't even remember that happening. That was the first time, I felt a true nudging to leave him.

Several major battles broke out through the winter and spring months.. but the final blow for me was when he exploded at a Little League Baseball game. He has always coached my son in whatever sport was in season. It was always bad, for he could never look good enough as a coach. His team could win every game by 10 points and he would still come away angry and hurt at the defeat of one strike out or mistake. My poor children are driven to be the very best they can be at everything they do... Driven out of fear, for if they fail, they'll have to hear him harp. After our epidsode in October I had begged him not to coach this year. He knows it always drives a wedge between him and his kids and me. He had promised he wouldn't coach. Then...one of his long time coaching buddies called and asked him to coach so, of course, he did. His team was the worst he had ever coached. Not bad players, just no wins. It was a very humbling season for him and he was overly frustrated. Of course, that meant that my son should do exceptionally well to make up for his failure. Jesse, poor fellow, NEVER strikes out. In all of his years in ball, I can recall maybe 1 strike out. He might bloop the ball and get thrown out, or caught out, but he always swings to hit. The pressure was on...Jesse was up to bat and he was coaching first. Come on, son, I have to have you! Jes blooped out to the pitcher. Head down and so hurt with himself, he moaped angrily to the dugout. His dad came to chew him out... I was ready to leave then. But the game went on. Jesse in his heart and maybe outloud spoke that next time, he would strike out on purpose, just to show his dad. He did. He without effort...struck out. It was obvious, but the repricussion was uncalled for. His dad threw his cap, got in his face and yelled for him to get the hell off HIS field. Get OUT... He through his only son, one of the star players, out of the ballgame with bold demonic force.

I took Jesse, found Eliza, and we left. I could not stay with someone who could so blatantly hurt his child in public. You know if he's that ugly in public, how bad it can be at home. I stayed gone for all of 2 weeks. I hid in a place of peace that was constantly interupted by phone calls and begging and pleading. He had to have us back and would change. Yeah, right....