Ron is sooo SAD....

Yesterday afternoon I went by Ron's apartment to pick up Eliza after work. He picks her up from school at 3:20 and I pick her up from his house at 5:00, when I get off work. Jesse came out to the car and asked if I could give him some money, he was going to the high school basketball game and needed some spending money. I gave him a $10 dollar bill and told him I wanted the change back. Ron came to the window and said he only had $20 to last until payday on the 1st or he would have given him money. I smarted off, that maybe he should budget better. I shouldn't have said that... I was being ugly and apologized later. He blurted back that I should be helping pay for the pigs, and I told him he should be helping with his kids. It was hurtful and stupid, and ugly. I left mad, and he called me crying. How could I say that he doesn't help with his kids? I told him that I wouldn't have said that if he would have not brought up that I wasn't supporting the pigs. I told him, that me nor the kids wanted the pigs... that HE did. I told him that I was paying electricity for them and was making sure they were fed, watered, walked, etc. Money that could be feeding my kids, clothing my kids, etc, should not be spent on some "dream hogs" that may or may not win the show... I love showing and everything that goes with it, but don't throw in my face something that I didn't want to do to begin with. Ughhhh...
The really sad part was, that after the argument we both apologized for what we said that was hurtful, and then Ron wrote me a 3 page text message about trying to work things out. He's broken, but not enough to change. I don't really understand if he's just not capable, or just doesn't want to change, but he isn't changing and hasn't changed! I feel so heartless, but have to stay strong to obey the Lord in this. Ron is not mine, he is God's. I cannot change him, only God can. I will not go back to the vomit to have my pearls trampled by him constantly. I will choose life. I cried at what he wrote, because it's all the right words, but there is no fruit to show me that he is for real. Divorce sucks! It's hard all the way around and I do not recommend it if there is a way around it. I do recommend however, God.... He is an awesome husband, provider, friend, listener. He doesn't have to change, he's perfect in every way. He is the kind of husband that leaves you always wanting more of him. Lord, fill my heart with you. Fill every part of my being with your truth, live, love, joy, and peace. I need you today..

Let me walk it out...

Well, I am sore. My weekend consisted of TEARING DOWN A BARN!! Hallelujah. The lady that advertised the barn on Craigslist said she CHOSE me out of over 40 emails to tear down the barn. Becca had asked her friends to help us tear down the barn and her boyfriend, Nick, who I'll talk about later, and another boy, Leonard, came to our rescue. Terry, another kid that I'll always love like my own, came later to help. We worked nonstop from 9 till around 4 o'clock on Saturday and got sooo much accomplished. It looked like when we first got there that it was so much that we couldn't do it. I never said that though.. we got our hammers and crowbars and went to work. After the first piece of tin came off, I knew we could do it. Leonard, a very strong boy and hard worker was the star of the day. He was good at it. He made the rest of us look very weak and it was good for him too. Jesse worked hard when it was only he and I, he's not motivated by mom's need in front of others for some reason. When Becca left to go get Terry, Jesse proved to himself that he could be a good worker. Nick, hurt his foot by stepping on a nail, and then it was time to quit work on Saturday. We left, tired, but excited about all that we accomplished. On Sunday, Leonard came with me and Becca and we loaded a borrowed trailer full with our tin and posts and lumber. We left some at the site that we will go back for this weekend, Lord willing. In the process of this, I saw Leonard's heart. Leonard is a boy that I adored all the way through Junior High while I worked there. He is quiet, but has a glowing heart that you can see through his beautiful blue eyes. He is now a strong kid, short and muscular, he does powerlifting for the high school. He is a wounded overcomer and that is what I am most drawn to. Leonard's mom is a drug addict from what I can remember. His grandmother was left to raise he and his two brothers. His grandmother did the best she could, but the kids were a lot for her. She got cancer, and went through a lot of distress. Recently, she has moved away to be with a boyfriend. Leonard's brother Jacob, who has mental issues, is now living with his mom. Jacob's twin, Alex, lives with his 20 year old cousin, and Leonard is living with a boy from school who doesn't really want him there. It feels like the family is housing him cause it's the right thing to do, not because they want him. Leonard is well liked by his peers and teachers. He goes to church regularly and is very active in his youth group. He is an overcomer. He is quiet, so you don't quite know what's on his mind. I was shocked on Sunday afternoon when I asked him how church was. His answer was, It was AMAZING! It took me back and I further questioned why... He was so impressed with the preacher's sermon. He said he had never seen him preach so passionately and it was just AMAZING! I think his self esteem is low because of his abandonment issues and his heart is so eager to please for those same reasons... I WANT HIM! He is asking Becca when we are going back to finish the barn. He knows I love him and always have. Please pray, I never expected or ever desired another child, but he is orphaned and needs love. I want him. I have said a few times jokingly to the Lord, "Can I keep him?" I have talked to Becca and Eliza about it.. They are thrilled. I have not talked to Jesse yet, but think he will enjoy Leonard's help with his goals for our property. And I know that Leonard will be a good role model for Jes. Jesse on Sunday tore down my chicken coop to add a bottom story to his treehouse. The funny thing is, that fixing the tree house and revamping the chicken coop are on my list of things to be done this year. I will pray for a while about Leonard joining our family. I absolutely have to hear God about this, but will get to spend time with Leonard again this weekend. He's coming to help again, because he wants to.

I went yesterday to the fairgrounds and noticed a big pile of walls and doors. I inquired about them and was told I could have them. I think I'll pick them up this weekend. I called a friend whose husband might can get me some telephone poles to use for my barn. I am so excited about what the Lord is doing, I am glad my steps are ordered by him, cause I sure don't know what I am doing... Hallelujah

We are nearly already through January...

Time is flying as it always has. I have so many things on my mind right now, but one of them of course is money. You know that life would be so much easier if you have money, right? That's how it seems on this side of life.. I have been getting up and walking every morning early, about 5:15 and spending time with the Lord. Now, about the first 10 minutes of our walk, I am praying and trying to quit thinking about how I am gonna make the mortgage, how I am going to pay the car note, electricity, the basic needs for my life. I am a generous person and give when I feel the urge, whether I have the money or not... I bless my kids with money and am trying to not look stressed out when they ask for yet another $20 for something that the school is promoting. I give at church and to those who I feel led to give to. I believe in giving and know that God has blessed me because of this principle. It is the sowing and reaping what you sow principle. I have seen it work in all sorts of areas of my life, like giving clothes and getting more clothes back.. (which becomes an issue when you're trying to get rid of clothes) lol. What I hear the Lord saying to me is, DO YOU TRUST ME... if you read my earlier posts you would see that this is a continual talk between God and I. I do adamantly say, YES, LORD, now. I should trust Him. I literally have not run out of money since August.. That's a miracle. Not even at Christmas time did I run out. That's a flat miracle and I am living proof that God is who He says He is. Worthy of trust, and absolutley worthy of praise. As I am writing this I am talking myself into trusting Him, you know.. The mortgage is coming soon, and I am believing God to move me into business, which is what I have had in my mind for as long as I can remember. I have been really trying to think of what I would enjoy doing with my life. I love entertaining at my home. I have always believed that if I had a big barn, I could do all sorts of birthday parties and events on my beautiful 4 acres.. This morning on Craigslist, I saw the opportunity to tear down a barn in a nearby town for the tin. I hesitated about it, but decided to answer the post. God is big enough, that if that's not what I am supposed to do, He'll give it to someone else, but I don't want to miss an opportunity, if it's meant for me. I said previously, that if the Lord opens a door, I am at least bound to explore the opportunity to see if it's for me. I am not gonna walk in fear and decide not to try something based on my lack of faith. Maybe that's what the scripture that I got this morning means...
James 2:14-17 What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith
but has no deeds? Can such faith save him? Suppose a brother
or sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you
says to him, "Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,"
but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it?
In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied
by action, is dead.

I want to act on faith with deeds. I want to walk in faith. It is impossible to please the Lord without faith. I so want to be pleasing as I know you do. Will you walk with me in faith for my business? Will you believe with me that God will open doors for us that no man can shut? Thank you for reading my ramblings... I appreciate your heart.

Couches and chairs..

Ask and you shall receive.. it seems that all at once my living room became livable again. Our Sonshine Center called me the other day to tell me they had a couch that I might like. It's a tan fold out couch, very plain and simple. I bought it for $40.00 and then the lady showed me the love seat to the couch I wanted to buy. They hadn't put it out on the floor because it was missing a cushion. After one look, I decided I could make a cushion that would work. I got it and have started working on the cushions. Hancock fabrics just happened to have all of their upholstery fabric for half off.. when I went. :) I also got the opportunity to shop at a local teacher's parents home and purchase a set of chocolate velvety swivel chairs with ottomans. They are in perfect condition. So.. I have living room furniture for company to enjoy now. My kids made sure we had plenty of company this long weekend to try it all out. I think we'll put the fold out couch upstairs in one of the bedrooms.
In keeping with the divorcing theme... Ron thinks my furniture is not necessary. He tried to talk me out of buying it. I have no idea why he would think I didn't need to purchase furniture for my bare room. I thought that was really weird.
Our divorce is final on February 12th. It looks like he is not gonna fight for custody of Jesse after consulting with his oh so wise lawyer. He had the nerve to ask me to let him claim the kids on his tax return since he was paying child support. He has kicked the support up to $300 a month, although I just read a note from his lawyer to mine that states the Texas requirement is $600 for his income. The $300 is just enough to make it where I am ineligible for Medicaid for the kids. They still qualify for Chips... So they Lord is weaning me from the State Welfare system... Hallelujah. I am seriously inquiring about a concession trailer with my friend Michelle. I'll update you on that later, but cooking is something we're both good at and it seems to provide a good profit.
The Lord has continued to supply all of my needs, and I have not run out of money since August. That alone is enough to praise Him for.. Lord knows it's not because of Ron's help. lol

Again my inadequacy..

So for months now I have been praying for a new couch. Not constantly or insistently, but my living room has zero furniture in it and it's rather echo-y in there. So the other day, I took the kids to the donut shop which sits directly facing our Sonshine Re-sell Center. I watched as someone unloaded a beautiful couch into the center and disregarded the nudging from the Lord to go buy it. I, in my opposite of faith, said in my heart, they'll want too much for it. I can't afford it, it's probably $150 at least. Blatantly I ignored the Lord and said, I'll go at lunch time.. So, at lunch time, I go and look at the couch which is more beautiful than I imagined.. I was sick when I saw the sold sticker on the back of it. I figured, oh well they probably got a fortune for it. On a whim, I decided to ask the lady how much they got for it... My stomach quickly soured when she told me $25.00. I had that in my purse. I pledge to at least look at every opportunity the Lord puts in front of me. At least investigate them from now on. Sooo, for now my living room is still very empty and loud.

The New Year!!

I never cease to be amazed by our God and my inadequacy to serve him... Let me start off by telling you about my amazing trip funded by the Lord. We thoroughly enjoyed North Carolina and visiting with friends.. but Jody, my forever friend, wanted to see Charleston, South Carolina while we were so close. I was along for the ride and ready to roll wherever. Our friend Todd didn't want to go and we were very frustrated at him for being a party pooper, but realize now that God wanted to bless us. We got to Charleston at 2:45 pm thinking we would have plenty of time to catch the ferry out to Fort Sumptner, you know the shot heard round the world place... the last ferry left at 2:30. Jody was really bummed and I was a bit afraid of what would happen next. I suggested we go to the plantations and give them a whirl while we had some time, knowing that everything closes at 5:00 pm to tourists. On the way to the plantations, we saw a sign for Charles Towne Landing which is the spot the first settlers of Charleston arrived and set up fort. We decided since it was close we would give it a shot. It was really cool in that it had gardens, animal exhibits, and a walking tour. We decided to do the Audio walking tour and when we told the lady we were paying, she told us we were 15 minutes too late. Now I was really frustrated and Jody began to cry a little.. I could see the fear in her eyes that our trip was all in vain and that we shouldn't have come.. I knew God was bigger than that! We caught a trolley to the back of the park and toured the ship at the waters edge. The ship's re-enactor was a young guy named CJ who was very knowledgeable about Charlestown with a passion for story telling. Jody and I left him alone when other visitors boarded the ship.. As we were walking away, I got the idea to ask CJ to be our personal tour guide and save our trip. Jody thought I was crazy, but I boldly asked him how much it would cost us and he told us he couldn't accept money, but would give us a tour anyway. We excitedly met him after work and followed him to what we quickly recognized as the Old Exchange Building from our brochures.. He told us he had worked there in the past and that the curator was a close friend. We toured the awesome old building imagining the people that had walked through the same doors, such as George Washington. CJ was an amazing tour guide and knew every answer to every question we could muster.. We got a personal tour of this piece of history absolutley free. Then we followed CJ next door to the Tavern. It is the oldest tavern standing in the US and if walls could only talk, but the owner knew a good bit about the secrets it held. The stories about it being a barber shop during prohibition with a secret room struck interest in me. As we got ready to leave, she offered us a free $60.00 bottle of wine. Cool, I enjoy wine occasionally, and it was a dessert wine that would go well with vanilla ice cream. We were excited and realized that we were living under God's blessing. CJ told us stories of Black Beard and Captain Bellow and the wall that surrounded the city at that time. We walked the entire old city wall and enjoyed bits of history throughout the tour. We toured with him for 3 hours and wound up at a Pirate restaurant where we dined. The waiter gave us the appetizers free which was about a $20 value.. They were delicious, She Crab Soup was the best. Jody even tried it. When we finished our tour, CJ looked through our hotel coupons and suggested a hotel in an area he knew. Our coupon was for $39.00 and the hotel lady noted that it was only for 1 occupant. I laughed and said, "it's 10 o'clock and we will be out of here by 6:30 am, you should cut us a deal." She said okay, and gave us the room for $25.00.. WOW. Jody and I laughed about God's favor that day. We got up early the next morning and took pictures of all the places CJ had taken us the night before. We were on the road headed to the plantations at 7:30 am when we saw a sign for Fort Moultry. CJ had told us about the fort and that it was just as interesting as Sumter so we decided to take a detour and check it out. Knowing how early it was, we figured we could drive by and get pictures. When we got there the gate that said Open 9-5 was wide open. We drove on in and got out and decided to walk over to the fort. When we walked over to it, it was unlocked and standing wide open. We walked through the military fort and enjoyed the self guided tour information. We were through about 8:30 and decided to walk into the visitor's center hoping to pay someone for our visit. It was wide open, with no one in sight. We walked through the African-American Slave Trade Exhibit and then Jody went to find someone to pay. Nobody wanted our money she determined after standing at the register a while. We left and laughed at God's topping to our trip. The plantation was awesome and our visit was priceless, but it is truly a treasure to know that God loves us so much as to pour out a blessing so large that we cannot contain it. One of the most amazing sites we saw was the North Carolina Biltmore Estate. That 250 plus home took 2.5 hours to tour. It was breathtakingly beautiful and a historical marvel. All in all, the trip to NC was a breath of fresh air. I am so thankful for rekindling friendships that I have always held dear, for God's constant blessing in my life, and most of all for my family who allowed me to enjoy this time for myself.