Out of the water...

So... the horse was already given away when I mustered up enough faith to call and secure it. I was disappointed and relieved all at once! I am disheartened at the thought of how excited my Jesse would have been with a horse of his own. I am really missing him these days!
He has been with his dad way too much and I feel so lonesome for his sweet freckled face. This part really stinks. I am trusting God to work it all out. It is because of all the dishoveled holiday plans that I am feeling like he's not been around. I will not give up on my relationship with my son, and know that God will prevail in his life, which is most important! I keep reminding myself that he is the Lord's child first, and then mine. The mama bear in me wants to throw Ron under the bus and totally expose all of the crap he's done to hurt my baby to the court and have all of my kids all to myself. Unfortunately, then I have to deal with my hurt little boy who wants his daddy right not. I am a safe place for him to run to when he needs me. Has anyone figured out why God hates divorce? This would be it... the seperation of family members is not fun. I am really hurting over this and would appreciate your prayers.
On a lighter note, I get to go to North Carolina for the week after Christmas. I told the Lord I wanted to go with my friend who is going to visit another friend, but that He would have to put it on someone's heart to pay my way cause I don't want to take away from my kids Christmas. A dear friend of mine called me last week and said she wanted to buy my ticket!! She said I deserved a break after all these years. Can you imagine? I am so excited I can hardly wiggle, but feel sooooo guilty for leaving my kids behind with their dad. I am having a hard time figuring out how to be a person and not just a wife and mother. Isn't it profound that God wants me to be a person first? Everything I have ever believed is that I am the other first. He wants all of ME...the real me... Leslie Kristen Kyle to come back to life. I am chosing life and I am choosing to go and have a blast, and I am choosing to celebrate my Savior as Leslie Kristen Kyle- His child, His friend, and His servant.