Yesterday afternoon I went by Ron's apartment to pick up Eliza after work. He picks her up from school at 3:20 and I pick her up from his house at 5:00, when I get off work. Jesse came out to the car and asked if I could give him some money, he was going to the high school basketball game and needed some spending money. I gave him a $10 dollar bill and told him I wanted the change back. Ron came to the window and said he only had $20 to last until payday on the 1st or he would have given him money. I smarted off, that maybe he should budget better. I shouldn't have said that... I was being ugly and apologized later. He blurted back that I should be helping pay for the pigs, and I told him he should be helping with his kids. It was hurtful and stupid, and ugly. I left mad, and he called me crying. How could I say that he doesn't help with his kids? I told him that I wouldn't have said that if he would have not brought up that I wasn't supporting the pigs. I told him, that me nor the kids wanted the pigs... that HE did. I told him that I was paying electricity for them and was making sure they were fed, watered, walked, etc. Money that could be feeding my kids, clothing my kids, etc, should not be spent on some "dream hogs" that may or may not win the show... I love showing and everything that goes with it, but don't throw in my face something that I didn't want to do to begin with. Ughhhh...
The really sad part was, that after the argument we both apologized for what we said that was hurtful, and then Ron wrote me a 3 page text message about trying to work things out. He's broken, but not enough to change. I don't really understand if he's just not capable, or just doesn't want to change, but he isn't changing and hasn't changed! I feel so heartless, but have to stay strong to obey the Lord in this. Ron is not mine, he is God's. I cannot change him, only God can. I will not go back to the vomit to have my pearls trampled by him constantly. I will choose life. I cried at what he wrote, because it's all the right words, but there is no fruit to show me that he is for real. Divorce sucks! It's hard all the way around and I do not recommend it if there is a way around it. I do recommend however, God.... He is an awesome husband, provider, friend, listener. He doesn't have to change, he's perfect in every way. He is the kind of husband that leaves you always wanting more of him. Lord, fill my heart with you. Fill every part of my being with your truth, live, love, joy, and peace. I need you today..
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Hang in there, Girl. You're doing the right thing. I know it's hard - especially when he starts saying the right things - but he has to SHOW you he has changed. Once my husband SHOWED me the change (started treating me like the woman he LOVED and CHERISHED) - and kept it up - I was able to open my heart back up to him. Before, it was all words, but the same poor actions. Now, the actions match the words and there is truly a difference in our marriage. If you are to be back together God will orchestrate that - not Ron, and not you. Ron will walk the walk WHILE he talks the talk and your heart will be opened to him again. Ron has to let God in to fix him first. We wives are not perfect either, by any means - especially me, but God is working in your life and you are open to it. Ron has to become open to God's will and not his own. Stick to your guns. Get through the divorce. It will be hard on all of you. Be as kind as you can - he is hurting, too. I think he loves all of you, but has absolutely NO idea how to LOVE all of you, no idea how to be an uplifting parent and spouse. Not that this is an excuse for him - he could find better ways to parent - just realize he is ignorant of what it takes and what he needs to do. Many of us are - he has just got to find the answers in the Lord and confess his mistakes, take ownership for them, and make the needed changes in his life. This may never happen for him, but we can hope that he will make the changes in time to repair his relationship with his children and at the same time, break the "generational curse" that anger brings. A lot of his anger is probably within himself - AT himself. It is hard to love and forgive ourselves. It manifests as an anger, a rage against those we love - esp. if we see qualities in our children that remind us of things about ourselves we hate. I speak from experience on this. You can do this!!
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